sleepy as always

so, it's ridiculous how busy you can be when you throw a wedding into the mix. just fyi.

cake, fabric, flowers, food, uh...invitations, meetings galore--it's something every weekend. don't get me wrong, it's actually pretty fun, but i'm wondering what on earth i ever did before i started planning this bad boy.

work at work is work, and hours seem longer lately since i've been less busy in the office and more antsy to get my "extracurriculars" done. i have, however, gotten a slight foothold in the door of bumping myself into marketing-dom...maybe. well, at least my nervous, background murmurings have been made a little clearer and i'm being kept in the loop a little more. maybe my opinions will strengthen so i can start to matter a little more soon. i don't know. it's definitely something i want and need to grow into, but it's kind of awkward-going. i really do have to prove myself, and i'm worried that what i want to prove might not be quite where anyone wants it to be. sure, i'm smart on paper, but do i really have enough to offer?

in the meantime, i've been spending my evenings trying to work on a couple side projects. logos are all the rage on my laptop, and while they're not disney world-exquisite, i'm kind of proud of what i'm working on. now, if i could just get a little quicker and a lot sharper.

so, time to go look those art projects over for a few more minutes so i can catch some shut-eye. funny how the longer you've been in a routine, the longer you tend to sleep in (after a while, you really start to know exactly how little time you can get away with when it comes to washing your hair and zipping 10 (?) miles down the road).

anyway. i'm kind of tired, and i swear that my computer screen keeps swaying back and forth. onward with my plans.

goodnight.

Nine Twenty-Four A.M.

so, i'm engaged. yayyyyy!

hehe. understatement of the century, right?

it actually happened about a month ago, on a bench in radford. we were looking for cars, so i didn't question being there in the first place. although, pulling into the campus parking lot was a bit of a red flag. that, and the whole, "hold on a second, i forgot my toboggan" thing.

we walked through this perfectly deserted concrete and brick wonderland, and even though it was cold, we were happy. when we went to look at the decorations on the fountain, he asked which bench was ours, and one hug and "i love you" later, the ring was on my finger and we were smiling out of our ears. he spun me around on our way back to the car, and my nervousness began as I bit my fingers and contemplated how to tell my parents.

(they were happy, by the way. not surprised. but it's still bittersweet to bring a ring of diamonds home to your daddy and mommy.)

and, there you go. the understated version of our love. spark-noted for an easy summary, but also to spare the gooeyness. don't get me wrong, i love love, but i can't stand the thought of making anyone vomit with my happiness. better to be asked before doing that.



and, until later...

Lazy.

that's me. no excuses, and all i have to say about myself.

my car is broken, but instead of riding around with my parents to look for a new one or browsing for one on craigslist, i'm looking at clothes online. i have no intention of buying anything i look at, because i am the total epitome of a cheapskate.

espn is on because my dad turned the tv from what i was kind of watching (but not really) in the background. i hate sports. but the remote is like six feet away...

i'd love to go shopping, but i should probably save money for a car. real reason, though, is because it's cold and dark outside and i would rather not drive a huge pickup truck to tj maxx.

feet are chilly...socks to accompany my slippers? would make too much sense.

nowhere to rest my arms while i type...actually, i don't know what to do about that one.




ack, the wind sounds like a wizard of oz tornado...and the chairs are sliding around on the back deck. sounds awful. this late fall and oncoming of winter are making me grumpy. too much cold way too quickly. maybe i'm just grumpy because we completely skipped over my favorite time of the year.

i mean, i'm a world-class complainer, but is it so crazy that i had hoped for a nice birthday?

october went by in a blink, like it always does, but this year, the leaves went straight from green to brown. the ground turned crunchy without getting slippery first, and the hayrides lost their magic (along with my commitment to watching hocus pocus at least twice in one week and spending more than 15 minutes putting my costume on).

no one likes to be overshadowed--at least, i don't think they do. i had always enjoyed having my birthday on an otherwise already fun day...kind of ensured that if my special day sucked, i had a back-up plan. this year, it was kind of the reason for last-minute preparations and afterthoughts. plus, it pretty made for the fact that everyone else in the world had a better day than i did. can't win, i guess.

i wish this blizzard wind would stop. it doesn't sound real. nothing real sounds that fascinating.

and in the blink of an eye, your whole life changes. but then, it doesn't.

you really can wake up on a sunday morning, lying in bed while listening to the rain hit the window, and then get the call that you never expected would change your life. two hours later, you have a new friend in the city, and you're flying north to secure your life, changing your life more quickly than you could ever pick out your outfit in the morning.

suits, airplanes, city steeples, more clothes than you know what to do with, new cars, stress levels through the roof, wondering where the week went while the people who helped bring you to existence make you feel like running into the wall. over. and over. and over.


this might not say much to you, but i will tell you this:

big changes are afoot. some have already happened, and some are coming very soon. and i'm not just daydreaming this time.

36 Percent Remaining

My laptop isn't plugged in, so I'm hoping that will force me to go to bed at some point (assuming the battery will die in just a little while). Just needed a little thinking time before I let my mind drift off for the night.

It never occurred to me the extent of how dangerous a group of females can be. It's been so long since I've actually socialized, and it's fun, but frightening at the same time. They all have an opinion on each and every one of you, and there is literally no one left out. And no matter who you are, you're no different. Trying to escape gossip is futile, and you will be pulled in.

I realize that there's a fine line between fitting in and realizing where you sit on the dinner plate. They love you now, but what will happen if they ravage your carcass when you're left alone? Everyone's fair game. Really. And as hard as you try to stay out of it, you'll always be sucked in.

I like to talk just as much as the next person. I'm a chatterbox, in fact, but I only really realize it when talking to people who really don't have much to say. Otherwise, I find it very strange how I'm the quiet one left in the group, unable to reveal her personal life with everyone else as a bonding ritual. I kind of want to, but also feel like reserving my life and my happiness. I really don't want anyone to pick that apart. I suppose that's one thing I'm doing right. I hope.

And as I go away from this, I'm happy from a fun evening that I enjoyed with people I would hope to call my friends, if they'll have me. But I'm also nervous that as soon as I turn the corner, they'll be there picking me apart just as they did to the last ones who crossed their path.

Starting Today

I've rediscovered my path.

I'm remembering that my current boredom is a placeholder, and should not be misconstrued as my finale. In fact, I'm trying to remember how lucky I am, while attempting to figure out how I can use this as a springboard rather than a bookmark.

I've reinvented my understanding of looking up a verb when I need to, or including something other than pop culture in my readings of choice. I'm reaching out to people I don't have to speak to, and trying to recycle this past year while pretending like I'm starting all over again.

Fashion is fun but not the complete circle, and somehow, I vow to mix business with happiness. I'm lucky and this is all good, but there's more out there for me. I will not get stuck in dead-end monotony, no matter how comfortable I may be. Money is money, but pulling an all-nighter every once in a while is necessary even after college. If only I can figure out where to start.

Time to re-vamp, reconfigure, reassess, and reorganize. Time to reinvent this invention. Time for a little bit of the old me to come back to slap the new me in the face. Or to kick the new me in the pants as a reminder that I'm not as old as my gray hair and my twisted back think I am.

My new year starts right now.

streamofconsciousness

just green walls, white borders, and clear sky to lure me towards Heaven . . . that's all i want. maybe a little venice and rome and crete and paris thrown in. it would be nice to get away. just for a while, anyway. life always seems a little more comfortable when you forget all of the earthly bothers you're supposed to tend to each day.

i wish someone would paint a picture of my face with dots, andy style. pop culture icons a their finest. why not include me?

picnics skies white blue gold green...slivers of silver in midnight air. pork roast. potato waffles corn chowder beluga baby whale. grouches named oscar hate birds named big and all i have to do is watch my television to find them.

roller skate me to the park. roller skate me on wheels cluttered with nicks and street dirt. roller skate me away from perfection as idiots know it and help me find where i'm really supposed to be. love me, God. help me love this world more than i know how to.

make a mockery of me? please don't.