Lazy.

that's me. no excuses, and all i have to say about myself.

my car is broken, but instead of riding around with my parents to look for a new one or browsing for one on craigslist, i'm looking at clothes online. i have no intention of buying anything i look at, because i am the total epitome of a cheapskate.

espn is on because my dad turned the tv from what i was kind of watching (but not really) in the background. i hate sports. but the remote is like six feet away...

i'd love to go shopping, but i should probably save money for a car. real reason, though, is because it's cold and dark outside and i would rather not drive a huge pickup truck to tj maxx.

feet are chilly...socks to accompany my slippers? would make too much sense.

nowhere to rest my arms while i type...actually, i don't know what to do about that one.




ack, the wind sounds like a wizard of oz tornado...and the chairs are sliding around on the back deck. sounds awful. this late fall and oncoming of winter are making me grumpy. too much cold way too quickly. maybe i'm just grumpy because we completely skipped over my favorite time of the year.

i mean, i'm a world-class complainer, but is it so crazy that i had hoped for a nice birthday?

october went by in a blink, like it always does, but this year, the leaves went straight from green to brown. the ground turned crunchy without getting slippery first, and the hayrides lost their magic (along with my commitment to watching hocus pocus at least twice in one week and spending more than 15 minutes putting my costume on).

no one likes to be overshadowed--at least, i don't think they do. i had always enjoyed having my birthday on an otherwise already fun day...kind of ensured that if my special day sucked, i had a back-up plan. this year, it was kind of the reason for last-minute preparations and afterthoughts. plus, it pretty made for the fact that everyone else in the world had a better day than i did. can't win, i guess.

i wish this blizzard wind would stop. it doesn't sound real. nothing real sounds that fascinating.

and in the blink of an eye, your whole life changes. but then, it doesn't.

you really can wake up on a sunday morning, lying in bed while listening to the rain hit the window, and then get the call that you never expected would change your life. two hours later, you have a new friend in the city, and you're flying north to secure your life, changing your life more quickly than you could ever pick out your outfit in the morning.

suits, airplanes, city steeples, more clothes than you know what to do with, new cars, stress levels through the roof, wondering where the week went while the people who helped bring you to existence make you feel like running into the wall. over. and over. and over.


this might not say much to you, but i will tell you this:

big changes are afoot. some have already happened, and some are coming very soon. and i'm not just daydreaming this time.

36 Percent Remaining

My laptop isn't plugged in, so I'm hoping that will force me to go to bed at some point (assuming the battery will die in just a little while). Just needed a little thinking time before I let my mind drift off for the night.

It never occurred to me the extent of how dangerous a group of females can be. It's been so long since I've actually socialized, and it's fun, but frightening at the same time. They all have an opinion on each and every one of you, and there is literally no one left out. And no matter who you are, you're no different. Trying to escape gossip is futile, and you will be pulled in.

I realize that there's a fine line between fitting in and realizing where you sit on the dinner plate. They love you now, but what will happen if they ravage your carcass when you're left alone? Everyone's fair game. Really. And as hard as you try to stay out of it, you'll always be sucked in.

I like to talk just as much as the next person. I'm a chatterbox, in fact, but I only really realize it when talking to people who really don't have much to say. Otherwise, I find it very strange how I'm the quiet one left in the group, unable to reveal her personal life with everyone else as a bonding ritual. I kind of want to, but also feel like reserving my life and my happiness. I really don't want anyone to pick that apart. I suppose that's one thing I'm doing right. I hope.

And as I go away from this, I'm happy from a fun evening that I enjoyed with people I would hope to call my friends, if they'll have me. But I'm also nervous that as soon as I turn the corner, they'll be there picking me apart just as they did to the last ones who crossed their path.

Starting Today

I've rediscovered my path.

I'm remembering that my current boredom is a placeholder, and should not be misconstrued as my finale. In fact, I'm trying to remember how lucky I am, while attempting to figure out how I can use this as a springboard rather than a bookmark.

I've reinvented my understanding of looking up a verb when I need to, or including something other than pop culture in my readings of choice. I'm reaching out to people I don't have to speak to, and trying to recycle this past year while pretending like I'm starting all over again.

Fashion is fun but not the complete circle, and somehow, I vow to mix business with happiness. I'm lucky and this is all good, but there's more out there for me. I will not get stuck in dead-end monotony, no matter how comfortable I may be. Money is money, but pulling an all-nighter every once in a while is necessary even after college. If only I can figure out where to start.

Time to re-vamp, reconfigure, reassess, and reorganize. Time to reinvent this invention. Time for a little bit of the old me to come back to slap the new me in the face. Or to kick the new me in the pants as a reminder that I'm not as old as my gray hair and my twisted back think I am.

My new year starts right now.

streamofconsciousness

just green walls, white borders, and clear sky to lure me towards Heaven . . . that's all i want. maybe a little venice and rome and crete and paris thrown in. it would be nice to get away. just for a while, anyway. life always seems a little more comfortable when you forget all of the earthly bothers you're supposed to tend to each day.

i wish someone would paint a picture of my face with dots, andy style. pop culture icons a their finest. why not include me?

picnics skies white blue gold green...slivers of silver in midnight air. pork roast. potato waffles corn chowder beluga baby whale. grouches named oscar hate birds named big and all i have to do is watch my television to find them.

roller skate me to the park. roller skate me on wheels cluttered with nicks and street dirt. roller skate me away from perfection as idiots know it and help me find where i'm really supposed to be. love me, God. help me love this world more than i know how to.

make a mockery of me? please don't.

I walk around all day with prose in my head. Titles that will never be written.

i bore myself sometimes.

and it's strange, because i don't really know how i do it. i have all these internal itches for productivity, but end up too lazy or too . . . unbelieving . . . to do anything about them. it's like i live in a constant daydream, hoping for things to happen, but never actually believe that they will. i don't know why i don't give myself any credit.

Fight

So, I really don't know when it became all right to attack my morals. Who does that?

I don't see a reason for punishing someone for being too well-behaved.

I understand why people do the things they do, especially if they have a plan and aren't going to just go crazy. But that doesn't mean I have to be the same person. I don't see a reason for me to step outside of my comfort zone just because people--who, keep in mind, are completely different from me--do. I thought you were supposed to protect me. My mistake. You're just as judgmental as everyone else.

Makes me hurt.

So keep stabbing that knife into my side, keep clawing my eyes, keep pulling on my hair and making me live like I don't want to. That's just fine. I already put up with plenty, and you keep going. Not enough for you, I suppose.

Bite me.

(I want to call you names, but I'm going to try to control my anger at least a little bit. Don't want to give you too much satisfaction. You've already gotten my trust and stepped all over it with your sludgy shoes. And that's enough).

Your move. I'll wait for you, because I think I've made my point.

Antsy

so sleepy tonight, just want to take a nap with a teddy bear, or even get something done, so long as i can make it happen (with my mind) from the couch where i'm sitting.

i'm starting to grasp bits and pieces of what i want. sure, it's been conceivable for a while, but distance causes us all to procrastinate. and yet, comparison makes us secretly seethe like a foamy bubble bath.

it's getting dark outside pretty quickly, and i don't want the light to go away. maybe i should make myself visit the last strands of sunlight. but then, what would i do? spend fifteen minutes reading about lawyers and music video enthusiasts?

actually, that doesn't sound too bad.

just need to get my ducks in a row. meanwhile, i'm becoming impatient, possibly because i don't know how close i am to stumbling upon the rest.

outside for now, i suppose. living spaces, construction sites, and las vegas memories a little later (but probably not). sleep almost always takes priority. that, and having no motivation to spend more time doing the same of everything.

Six minutes 'til 11:00 on a Sunday night...you know what that means; another short post.

i really shouldn't let myself stay up this late when i basically have to slap myself to get out of bed every morning. last week, i was particularly exhausted. i blame my boyfriend, the internet, and paying no attention whatsoever to the fact that i have an obligatory appointment 5 days a week to go make some money.

so, i'm sure i probably didn't write anything about this, but brad recently (2 weeks ago) started a summer internship at volvo. in maryland.

he lives in pennsylvania during the week, but comes home every friday (so far). it's slightly bearable, but i can't wait until august. the stupid sunday tears always prove it.

so, anyway. there's one of my summer burdens for you. that, and the fact that i'm probably going to be moving out around august or september. we'll see how that goes.

oh, oh, oh, big sigh. this weekend was wonderful--impromptu, "spontaneous" trips to the lake that take over an hour to initiate and a combined $70 to finance, cartoons about toys, and lots of green beans. inappropriate movies that you laugh at anyway, fires that are sort of big enough, and dogs that don't seem to know the difference between people who love them and people who are driven crazy by them. and of course, the struggle to hold on to bits of time as they fly past like lightning bug torpedoes. i've never been so happy (despite it being smushed in between lots of anxiety). i am amazed by how much i can feel.

work is good, work is the same. work is people who are fun to be around, but who can also up and leave at the drop of a hat, whether it's literally or just throwing all sense of common decency out that window. most days are fine, but some are a complete pain. but i guess that's to be expected.

hmmmm. another sigh.

and look, now it's 4 minutes AFTER 11. too late for me--i wore myself out last week and over the course of this weekend, and it's time that i got a little bit of sleep reimbursement for myself. it wasn't really as short of a post as i meant it to be, but it was confusing and informative enough for now. and it'll have to do until i start feeling the ambition to be straightforward (or obnoxiously vague) all over again.



goodnight.

just a little bit lazy

so.

i fancy the idea of a long, intricate detailing of my past little whiles.

even just a smidge?

but i tuckered myself out today, fancy that. and now i really need a snack or my tummy will not leave me alone.

so.

yellow petals saved up in a change jar

of course, it's been a long time.

once i steal my computer back for myself (other people like to "borrow" it for most of the day and night) and drag myself back onto this site, it's finally writing time again. after more than three months, i think, but still . . .

although a lot has been going on, it's not a whole lot i really want to babble about. a lot of thinking, sure . . . a lot of reflecting, some pain, and some willingness to be something bigger than myself--all part of the mix. i love the fact that life's about to change, and i also hate it. i despise the curiosity of immaturity because it carelessly makes me cry. i also love the cause with my whole being.

i always knew life would be different someday, but i didn't actually expect someday to get here. it's moving at a snail's pace, and i'm about to be thrown into the worst of it all. waiting and waiting until i'm torn up with sleeplessness and aching from idiotic contortion; why on earth do i curl up like i'm broken, anyway?

this week has brought me disappointment, freedom, love, heartache, anxiety, relaxation, frustration, exhaustion, and confusion. too many words, but all too true. i've never needed sleep so much while blowing it off at the same time because it's too difficult to sleep. i don't know where this month has gone, and i'm not sure if i want it to be over with or not. i'm guessing not, but i can't keep drowning in every day.

i'm still grateful. i'm still very, very grateful for what i have. i am hurt, but i am strong. and i don't know how it happened, but i'm guessing it's a present from God.

Snow that smells like summer and nights that feel like October

I am such a lazy writer.

In fact, for the past few days, I have mentally added bits and pieces of my daily ventures to my mind, ticking off random points that I felt should be shared with the everyday world.

Of course, I can't remember any of that now, aside from the fact that shoveling snow is something I am very tired of doing, despite the fact that its ability to tie me down outside was reminiscent of summer and being eight years old. I wonder what fireflies would look like against a snowy backdrop. Gorgeous, I'm certain.

A three-day weekend was imminent with this weather, and completely worth the 3 to 4 hours less pay for the week. It did take a while to adjust to the fact that yesterday was Saturday (not Sunday) and so on, but that makes today all the merrier. And I definitely need it after last night's restless bout of dreams where I kept sleeping through the day and not realizing what time it was. The last one ended with me waking up at 11:30 on a Sunday night before having to wake up at 6 for work the next morning. Not a good feeling to waste the day away, which is why I was thrilled to finally open my eyes to the reality of this morning's sunshine streaming through my blinds and a clock on my desktop announcing that it was only 8 a.m.

So, anyway...here we are for the second Sunday in a row of random things to enjoy. Last weekend was the Grammys, today is the Superbowl (which, I'm convinced, is merely a good thing only because it puts everyone in an excited mood and gives us an excuse to eat lots of good junk food), and next weekend is Valentine's Day. The last is one is one of those that I always look forward to, whether or not I have plans. Of course, I would expect something this year (as I have for the 3 years before this one), but I have a way of inviting ideas into my head that are much more clever than anyone can possibly pull off. In fact, most of those ideas never completely formulate in my mind at all...it's more like an essence of perfection that we all wish we could have but never truthfully expect to achieve. And yet, there's always a little gut feeling that makes you wonder, Why Not?

But for now, it's just another day of chilly toes, sledding down icy mountains, wincing from puppy dog kisses, and learning that the things that make us complain are the things we are most fortunate to have. I hope I can keep that in mind when my alarm goes off at 6 o'clock tomorrow morning and I'm forced to pull myself out of my bed and haul my sorry butt off to work. It's too cold for all of this, but I know it's worth it.

Have a great Super Bowl Sunday!

Love,
Me

Can't Quit Early

So, there's ice outside this morning. The place where I work closed early yesterday, and they're opening two hours late this morning. So, of course I've been awake since 6 am instead of going back to sleep 'til 8 like a normal person. Ugh.

Oh yeah, did I mention I have a job now?

Thus the reason for my absence in posting. I just don't have the hours upon hours of free time (or ability to stay awake past 9 or 10) anymore. I'm tired more often, but I don't feel useless. And that is a wonderful thing, I must say.

I work as a receptionist at a local company, and am also in charge of purchasing, accounts payable, and a zillion other things. When I first started, there were definitely times of defeat where I felt like nothing I did would help me acclimate to this new place. But now, at almost the end of my third week, I am so glad to say that I'm okay. Still messing up (annoying people with questions all the time, plus I accidentally ordered 11 of something I was only supposed to get 1 of), but I'm okay. And I am so grateful to have found this. In retrospect, I'm sure I was meant to stick it out for the last few months so I could understand how to appreciate what I've been given. Sure, it's not great having to wake up at 6 am 5 days a week, and sure, there is more pressure to get more things done and put myself second, but this is good. I'm no longer a bum who sits on her parents' couch all day long while searching for jobs online and spending all day on Facebook. And that's definitely something.

*Big Sigh*

And now, I've definitely learned to appreciate the weekends so much more.