36 Percent Remaining

My laptop isn't plugged in, so I'm hoping that will force me to go to bed at some point (assuming the battery will die in just a little while). Just needed a little thinking time before I let my mind drift off for the night.

It never occurred to me the extent of how dangerous a group of females can be. It's been so long since I've actually socialized, and it's fun, but frightening at the same time. They all have an opinion on each and every one of you, and there is literally no one left out. And no matter who you are, you're no different. Trying to escape gossip is futile, and you will be pulled in.

I realize that there's a fine line between fitting in and realizing where you sit on the dinner plate. They love you now, but what will happen if they ravage your carcass when you're left alone? Everyone's fair game. Really. And as hard as you try to stay out of it, you'll always be sucked in.

I like to talk just as much as the next person. I'm a chatterbox, in fact, but I only really realize it when talking to people who really don't have much to say. Otherwise, I find it very strange how I'm the quiet one left in the group, unable to reveal her personal life with everyone else as a bonding ritual. I kind of want to, but also feel like reserving my life and my happiness. I really don't want anyone to pick that apart. I suppose that's one thing I'm doing right. I hope.

And as I go away from this, I'm happy from a fun evening that I enjoyed with people I would hope to call my friends, if they'll have me. But I'm also nervous that as soon as I turn the corner, they'll be there picking me apart just as they did to the last ones who crossed their path.

Starting Today

I've rediscovered my path.

I'm remembering that my current boredom is a placeholder, and should not be misconstrued as my finale. In fact, I'm trying to remember how lucky I am, while attempting to figure out how I can use this as a springboard rather than a bookmark.

I've reinvented my understanding of looking up a verb when I need to, or including something other than pop culture in my readings of choice. I'm reaching out to people I don't have to speak to, and trying to recycle this past year while pretending like I'm starting all over again.

Fashion is fun but not the complete circle, and somehow, I vow to mix business with happiness. I'm lucky and this is all good, but there's more out there for me. I will not get stuck in dead-end monotony, no matter how comfortable I may be. Money is money, but pulling an all-nighter every once in a while is necessary even after college. If only I can figure out where to start.

Time to re-vamp, reconfigure, reassess, and reorganize. Time to reinvent this invention. Time for a little bit of the old me to come back to slap the new me in the face. Or to kick the new me in the pants as a reminder that I'm not as old as my gray hair and my twisted back think I am.

My new year starts right now.

streamofconsciousness

just green walls, white borders, and clear sky to lure me towards Heaven . . . that's all i want. maybe a little venice and rome and crete and paris thrown in. it would be nice to get away. just for a while, anyway. life always seems a little more comfortable when you forget all of the earthly bothers you're supposed to tend to each day.

i wish someone would paint a picture of my face with dots, andy style. pop culture icons a their finest. why not include me?

picnics skies white blue gold green...slivers of silver in midnight air. pork roast. potato waffles corn chowder beluga baby whale. grouches named oscar hate birds named big and all i have to do is watch my television to find them.

roller skate me to the park. roller skate me on wheels cluttered with nicks and street dirt. roller skate me away from perfection as idiots know it and help me find where i'm really supposed to be. love me, God. help me love this world more than i know how to.

make a mockery of me? please don't.

I walk around all day with prose in my head. Titles that will never be written.

i bore myself sometimes.

and it's strange, because i don't really know how i do it. i have all these internal itches for productivity, but end up too lazy or too . . . unbelieving . . . to do anything about them. it's like i live in a constant daydream, hoping for things to happen, but never actually believe that they will. i don't know why i don't give myself any credit.